umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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