I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
