Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We are all done wearing pants today
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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