Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
