You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
