hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
