eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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