Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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