The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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