After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
