two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
