apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
