You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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