ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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