I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
