Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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