1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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