I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
