new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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