I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
