I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
