In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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