I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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