I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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