never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
