considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
All I want is dick and wine.
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