I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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