dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
NoShamevember. You game?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
