so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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