the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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