I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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