I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
