I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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