At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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