I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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