Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
