I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
