Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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