i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize