If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
