Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
