Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
