life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
