You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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