a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Two words: blizzard sex
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
