he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
