My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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