There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
