Do you still have your period?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
