Soap is not a condiment
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
