one word: firstdatebathroomanal
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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