Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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