um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This is classic penis vs brain.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
