I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
