The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
